TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious housing calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically noted for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed through the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Several of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely out of put. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Certainly, sure, let's have An additional spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though past negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock requires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the project, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic individuals. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head noticeable from space, a attribute getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after discovering the developing's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is not only unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Occur"


The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "the place's the closest elevator to the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is already attracting interest from Global investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll get a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to find out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort wherever my PTSD may have switch-down provider."


One more put up from @KuwaitiKardashian just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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